March 19, 2010

If Kevin Arnold were a Serial Killer…

When I learned the other day that Danica McKellar was pregnant, I had happy thoughts of The Wonder Years and the Winnie Cooper inspired crushes that swept through my middle school (I was actually a much bigger fan of Julie Condra’s bad girl Madeline Adams). Little Winnie will be a mom soon, and I can imagine that in ten years some nostalgic TV exec will call her and Kevin (Fred Savage) up with a pitch for a Texasville-esque sequel. I put the odds at 4-1.

My next thoughts were of serial killers. Stay with me now. Years back, I wrote a series of macabre little scripts that re-imagined classic television shows. The twist? The main characters would be cast as depraved sociopaths. The one I did for Alfalfa and The Little Rascals haunts me to this day, and I should probably keep it in the bottom of the drawer. However, I thought the Kevin Arnold edition deserved a dust off, given the recent news. A savage little monster indeed.

THE WONDER YEARS: Pilot

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

KEVIN ARNOLD stands in the street, watching PAUL PFEIFFER and WINNIE COOPER disappear into the hazy folds of the suburban night. Daniel Stern narrates.

NARRATOR

When the sun set on our last summer evening together, I think I knew it would never be the same between us. It didn’t make me sad, exactly. Just a little empty.

EXT. VACANT LOT – NIGHT

Kevin bends over in the shadows, lifts something small and fuzzy.

NARRATOR

To fill the emptiness, I did what I always did.

Kevin stuffs the furry lump violently down into a bucket. Grimy water splashes over the edges as Kevin’s mouth shrivels into an angry snarl.

NARRATOR

It’s funny, when you drown puppies, I can’t say all your problems melt away. But the moonlight shines a little brighter, and friends that mattered so much seem tiny in comparison. It’s kids’ stuff really, but as I piled the limp bodies next to the bucket, I knew everything was going to be okay.

EXT.  FRONT YARD – NIGHT

Kevin walks into his yard, shaking water off his hands. He stops, looks up longingly at the stars.

NARRATOR

Friends come and go. School leads to a job in an office. One day you’re drowning puppies, the next you’re decapitating hitchhikers. Seventh grade started tomorrow. Maybe I didn’t know it then, but I was ready.

The camera pans down to reveal Kevin is not wearing pants.

2 Comments | Posted by Aaron under Death, Parody, Television | Bookmark or Share