March 30, 2010
The Case of the Buddhist Milk
I was 19, maybe 20. It was summertime, or maybe the holidays. I can’t be sure. It doesn’t matter really. The only thing that matters is that I was home from college, living in my parents’ house. I had been out for the evening, catching a movie. I returned around 11PM, with a craving for a glass of milk. This was nothing odd. Up until my early 20s, I probably drank a glass of milk a day.
I opened the fridge, and found a gallon container of 2%, with about a cup of milk in it. It was the only milk left in the house and I poured the entirety in a glass. I didn’t take it all down at once, but I held a healthy gulp in my mouth. It was tepid and stale – simply disgusting. As I spit it into the kitchen sink, I had flashbacks to a day when I had swallowed an entire glass of sour milk before realizing what I had done. Nausea doesn’t begin to describe what rampaged through my guts. I was not prepared to relive such horrors, so I promptly dumped the milk down the drain. As I washed the glass and the container, I noticed the expiration date. It had passed two days before. A close call. I set the empty container on the counter as a signal to my parents that we needed to buy more milk, I brushed my teeth, I counted my blessings and I went to bed.
The next morning I woke up and headed straight to the fridge. It was the same as I left it the night before, except for one thing. On the top shelf was a gallon container of 2%, with about a cup of milk in it. I opened it, smelled it, and touched some to my lips. It was tepid and stale – simply disgusting. I looked at the expiration date. It had passed three days before. This was the exact same stuff I had encountered the previous night, the exact same stuff I had held in my mouth, had spit out, had dumped down the sink. That demon milk had been reincarnated.
I wasn’t feverish. I hadn’t sipped a drop of alcohol in days. I had gone to a movie and that’s all. There was no possible way I could have been drugged. I’ve had my share of vivid dreams, but not prophetic ones. This was beyond deju vu. There was only one answer (and no, Matrix fans, Laurence Fishburne had nothing to do with it). I had gone insane. Schizophrenia usually hits around 19 or 20 and this was my first taste of it. It tasted like spoiled dairy.
For the rest of the morning, I sat quietly wondering what would come of my life. This was, quite clearly, a turning point. I chuckle as I write about it now, because I eventually solved the Encyclopedia Brown level mystery. But at the time, it was pure existential terror. Can you guess what happened?
someone in the house put milk back into the conmtainer and put it in the fridge?
March 30, 2010 07:52pm
Siblings gaslighting you?
March 31, 2010 12:53pm
A concoction created by one of those crazy scientists you were living with!
March 31, 2010 02:31pm
Is the fact that the stuff was tepid a hint?
March 31, 2010 03:18pm
You are all beautiful, insightful folks and combining your theories may lead to the answer – though admittedly I haven’t exactly provided all the necessary clues. Tepidness certainly is essential in understanding what happened. As is the fact that my breakfasts are habitual.
March 31, 2010 03:31pm
We need more information– 12 questions(one of which is a trick question):
1)Who else was living in the house?
2)What were you breakfast habits at that time?
3)Was the milk on the top shelf during the 1st encounter, i.e. exactly the same place as you found it the second time?
4)What time did you get up that morning?
5)Was your uncle visiting with one of his goats?
5)Even though you tossed all of the milk in the house, could there have been some in the garage?
6)Were you writing fantastical stories about your youth at the time?
7)Was your mother or father making yogurt or sour doug cultures during this period?
8)Where was the glass you used the night before when you got up in the morning?
9)Was anyone else (other than your father) up in the morning before you went into the kitchen?
10)Did it taste like 2% or 1% or skimed milk?
11)Was the refrigerator working properly?
12)Did you check to see if “Ginger” or “Goldie” was acting strangely?
March 31, 2010 07:54pm
To answer Willi
1.) Two strange folks
2.) Cheerios
3.) Exact same place in the fridge
4.) Around 7:30, maybe 8:00
5.) No goats, though I did have a goatee
5.) I guess there could have been garbage milk…now I’m really scared
6.) Always
7.) Not that I am aware of. Is Doug my long lost test-tube clone?
8.) Glass was in the sink
9.) Yes
10.) Hard to say
11.) Yes
12.) They were always acting strangely
April 1, 2010 09:14am
Was there a science fair at school that week? Or maybe it an experiment your dad was working on?
April 2, 2010 11:03am
According to Toril Lavender the most likely explanation is the following:
Before retiring for bed your mother discovered that there was no milk left in the refrigerator and worried you would return home from the movie to find no milk. So she made a cup of milk from instant dry milk and put it into a used milk container and then into the refrigerator. She did this shortly before you arrived home and that is the milk you gagged on. In the morning (before you arose) she discovered the container empty and knew you would need more milk for breakfast … so she made some more of the instant dry milk and put it back into the same container and back into the refrigerator… shortly after you made your way back into the kitchen to find the same tepid wonder milk in the refrigerator. You now must reward Toril Lavender for solving this mystery…. nicht wahr?
April 5, 2010 07:56pm
Toril Lavender is a genius the likes of which this world has never seen. Her answer is spot-on and the next time I see her I will reward her with a glass of tepid, reconstituted milk. Bravo. And thanks to everyone for playing.
April 6, 2010 07:33am
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