April 8, 2010

Saint Phil of Augusta

The Masters starts today. I don’t know much about golf. I’ve always enjoyed playing the video game versions of it, but when it comes to the real thing, a famous quote from Mark Twain pretty much sums up my feelings. “Eh.”

All the talk will be of Tiger, of course, and it will be impossible to avoid coworkers and pals peddling one-liners about his “putts” and his “holes in one,” not to mention Aristocrat-esque jokes involving the green jacket. I won’t go down that road. What I will do, however, is highlight the deeds of another duffer, the oft-maligned Phil Mickelson.

Now, I don’t know enough about the PGA to know how oft Mr. Mickelson is really maligned, but for a matter of perspective, consider this. The phrase “I Hate Phil Mickelson” returns almost 500 results on Google, while “I Hate Fred Funk” returns only one. Either the Funk PR Machine is working overtime, or my man Mickelson has an image problem. I suspect the latter. Thus, the following headline (which may or may not be a pun?) hit the wire a few days back:

An Easter Thank You: Phil Mickelson Turns to Houston’s Swing Doctor

If you don’t want to read the article, I’ll give you the gist of it. Both Mickelson’s wife and his mother were diagnosed with cancer last year. A Houston doctor has been treating them, and Mickelson was so thankful that he let the man caddie for him during a recent tournament. Mickelson was out of contention at that point, and it was only supposed to be for one hole, and the man had actually done some semi-professional caddying before, so it wasn’t exactly like Jeff Gordon letting his dental hygienist hold the wheel. Still, the good doctor handed him the right clubs and employed his depth perception and it resulted in a birdie, so Mickelson kept him on for two more holes. Hearts were warmed. Jesus wept.

Did Tiger sin so much that this is considered a saintly act? I know, I know. Golf enthusiasts would jump at the chance to caddy in a major tournament. But wouldn’t they also jump at the chance to actually golf with the best, rather than lug the bag. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Had Mickelson helped this doctor’s son with his swing, would he have been rewarded with a midnight shift at the ER changing bedpans? I doubt it.

My proposal is this. If Mickelson really wants to show his appreciation, he should reserve a tee time for the doctor and himself at one of the country’s most exclusive courses. After all, this guy is trying to call in some medical miracles for the golfer’s mother and wife. The opportunity to towel the dimples of a golf ball hardly seems like reciprocity. I’ll give Mickelson the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe he’s golfed with the doctor countless times on countless legendary courses. But if he hasn’t, then add me to Google results. “I Hate Phil Mickelson!”

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