The Indubitable Dweeb
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December 14, 2011

Meanwhile, at Facebook Headquarters…

INT. FACEBOOK CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Dustin Moskovitz and Chris Hughes sit at a conference table, surrounded by piles of file folders, binders, etc. Mark Zuckerberg paces around the room.

ZUCKERBERG

Moving on. Who do we have next?

Moskovitz opens a file folder.

MOSKOVITZ

We have a…Jenny Richardson.

ZUCKERBERG

What do we know about Jenny?

MOSKOVITZ

Let’s see. Says here she’s from Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

HUGHES

That’s Pennsylvania Dutch Country, Zuck.

ZUCKERBERG

Nice catch, Hughesy. Okay, so she’s an Amish then, right? Good. Somewhere to start. We wanna get those Amish fingers a-clickin’. So tell me, boys. What’s ad-sales pulling in on the horse-and-buggy front?

 Moskovitz checks the ledger.

MOSKOVITZ

Nada.

ZUCKERBERG

Damn. Strike one. No big whoop. Homerun idea is…oats! Pretty sure these people love the oats.

HUGHES

That’s the Quakers, Zuck.

ZUCKERBERG

Is it? What’s the difference?

MOSKOVITZ

I think…the hats?

HUGHES

Zippers, actually.

ZUCKERBERG

Zippers? Fascinating. How so?

HUGHES

Don’t like ‘em. Don’t want ‘em. Got no need for ‘em.

ZUCKERBERG

Who? Amish or Quakers? Know what? Doesn’t matter. Skip any zipper ads for Jenny. That includes Ziploc and all subsidiaries. Don’t want to take chances. Focus on oats. I know it’s a Quaker thing, but I’m betting every horse-loving Pennsylvanian needs quality oats. Now make me a happy man, Mister M. Tell me we got some badass oats accounts on the books?

 Moskovitz checks the ledger.

MOSKOVITZ

Best I can do is Hall & Oates. Reunion tour at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, New…

(flips page)

…Jersey.

 ZUCKERBERG

Good. We can work with that. How far is Sayreville from Lancaster? Is it doable for Jenny?

Hughes pulls out an atlas, flips through the pages until he finds an overview map of the Northeast. He measures the distance with his fingers, checks the scale on the key.

 HUGHES

Looks doable, Zuck.

 ZUCKERBERG

Horse-and-buggy doable?

 HUGHES

I can’t claim to be an expert, but I think it’s horse-and-buggy doable. A full day on the buggy but, you know, it’s a reunion tour. I heard they’re doing Maneater.

 ZUCKERBERG

Good point. Jenny will make the trip for Maneater.

(beat)

Okay, so Jenny’s going to a concert. What else can we sell her? I need the deets, Mighty Moskovitz. Hit me up. What sorta books does she dig?

MOSKOVITZ

Says here she reads “just about anything good…except for sci-fi. Ack!”

ZUCKERBERG

Ack? What’s ack?

MOSKOVITZ

I think she’s just saying ack. Like…gross. Ack!

HUGHES

Cathy says ack.

ZUCKERBERG

Cathy in the SEO department? Peanut-allergy Cathy? I swear, sometimes I would fire that woman just so I could have a godforsaken Pay-Day bar every once in a tomorrow!

HUGHES

Different Cathy, Zuck. Sorry, should have been more specific. Cathy the comic strip.

ZUCKERBERG

Got it. I know that one. They still running those?

HUGHES

Not sure.

ZUCKERBERG

Know what? Think I saw some funny papers in the eighth floor bathroom. Third stall in. Right up on the tank.

HUGHES

So…? Want me to…check?

ZUCKERBERG

Of course I want you to check! Jesus, Hughesy, we aren’t LinkedIn over here, where they don’t know their Cathy from their Sally Forth! We go public in a few months, this is the sorta minutia people are gonna expect.

HUGHES

Sorry, Zuck. I’m on it.

Hughes dashes out.

 MOSKOVITZ

We still talking about Jenny?

ZUCKERBERG

(grinding his teeth)

Right. Jenny. Likes books. Good ones. Read anything good lately?

MOSKOVITZ

I really liked The Night Circus.

ZUCKERBERG

What’s that about?

MOSKOVITZ

A circus…at night.

ZUCKERBERG

Not a sci-fi circus at night? Jenny doesn’t care for sci-fi.

MOSKOVITZ

Um…no. Not sci-fi. Maybe fantasy? It’s kinda tough to peg down.

ZUCKERBERG

But you liked it? People like it?

MOSKOVITZ

It’s pretty friggin’ magical.

ZUCKERBERG

Good. Good. So I’m guessing Jenny read it too, cause she’s not gonna pass up something so magical. And she’s probably itching to see a night circus in person. Which begs the question…

 Moskovitz nods and grabs the yellow pages. He flips through.

 MOSKOVITZ

Sorry. No listings for night circuses in Lancaster, Sayreville or anywhere in between.

ZUCKERBERG

Day circuses?

 Moskovitz shakes his head.

 ZUCKERBERG

Mother-fudger! Gimme something!

MOSKOVITZ

How about circus peanuts? You know, the candy?

ZUCKERBERG

Really? That stuff is vile.

MOSKOVITZ

Maybe, but they have a big ad budget. Someone must enjoy the stuff.

ZUCKERBERG

And maybe that someone is Jenny. Or if that someone isn’t Jenny, maybe it will be Jenny because she’s all giddied up on the night circus pony. I like your thinking Dusty M. And besides, Jenny will be hungry at Hall & Oates. Oh-oh here she comes, watch out circus peanuts she’ll chew you up….

MOSKOVITZ

Nicely done.

ZUCKERBERG

Bush-league, but thank you. Just getting started. So we’ve sold stuff to Jenny. Now let’s sell Jenny. I’m sure there are companies interested in hearing more about her. What’s her relationship status?

MOSKOVITZ

It’s complicated.

ZUCKERBERG

Dammit! We should’ve never made that an option.

MOSKOVITZ

Not what I meant. It says quite clearly that she’s interested in men. But then I’ve got all these photos of her playing softball.

 Moskovitz spreads some photographs out on the table. Zuckerberg has a look.

 ZUCKERBERG

Bit of a stretch, don’t you think?

MOSKOVITZ

She lists Boys on the Side as one of her favorite movies.

ZUCKERBERG

Doesn’t prove anything. McConaughey is in that picture. Which status updates does she “like?”

 Moskovitz searches through some papers.

 MOSKOVITZ

Her friend Gina’s toddler said something funny about how rain is God “going pee-pee” and she liked that.

 ZUCKERBERG

Okay.

MOSKOVITZ

She liked that Ken Dyer was “gonna get his drink on tonight with all the L-Town hotteez!”

ZUCKERBERG

Why wouldn’t she? Sounds like a good time. How about some things she doesn’t like?

MOSKOVITZ

Um…I thought we weren’t adding that button?

ZUCKERBERG

(sighing)

We aren’t. But the data. The data should still reveal what she doesn’t like.

 Moskovitz searches through the papers.

MOSKOVITZ

Mondays. It appears she doesn’t like Mondays.

 ZUCKERBERG

Hmmm.

(beat)

So she’s a lesbian. I’m guessing Subaru would be interested in knowing that.

MOSKOVITZ

Err…horse-and-buggy.

ZUCKERBERG

Crap-balls!

 The door flies open. Hughes tumbles in.

 HUGHES

(breathlessly)

No…sign…of Cathy. But Sally….Forth…still going…strong.

 ZUCKERBERG

Bingo! You’re back, Hughesy!

HUGHES

Thanks…Zuck.

 ZUCKERBERG

Snoop Mousy Moskovitz! Get whoever draws, writes, and publishes Sally Forth on the horn and tell them we’ve got the 411 on a sugared-up Amish lesbian Hall & Oates aficionado named Jenny Richardson and ask them flat out how many dimes they’re willing to drop to know how she’s doing at Farmville.

(catches his breath)

Moving on.

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