February 6, 2012
I have a folder in a box under my bed. It’s bursting with rejection letters from publishers, agents, movie studios, theaters, colleges, literary magazines, employers, societies and probably even the Columbia House Record Club (trust me, children, this is funny). I started the folder in my ambitious teenage days, and I guess at first it was an enemies list, or a “big mistake, pal, you haven’t heard the last from this kid, no sir, not the last by a long shot, and you can be sure I’ll bring your name up at Nobel Prize ceremonies and in a chapter titled The Clueless Ones in my five volume autobiography” list.
Now the folder is just something I bring on school visits, to show kids that the world is full of rejection, but that doesn’t mean they should give up on their dreams. Unless they have a folder thicker than mine (Pynchon-thick at this point), they’d be fools to throw in the towel. It’s hokey, of course, but it’s effective in sobering up a world drunk on overnight sensation (note to self: if I ever create my own brand of malt liquor, call it Overnight Sensation).
A rejection letter (or these days, an email) always beats a good old-fashioned lack of response, and a good rejection letter is something to savor. I’ve received a few good ones, including a gem from a university that basically said, “if you do well in life, please let us know we made a mistake.” So lovely in its smug passive aggressiveness, that letter. And no, I haven’t yet informed aforementioned university of the number of heart pieces I’ve found in The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. A man must be bigger than these things.
So while you can stuff most sorries in a sack, there are a few you might want to frame. If only, if only, if only, my book The Only Ones had received this one that my old pal Gertrude got:
1 Comment | Posted by Aaron under Books, Childhood, School Visits, The Only Ones | Bookmark or Share
January 19, 2012
People often ask me a question that many authors dread.
“So how’s the book doing?”
They’re well intentioned, these askers. They’re taking an interest in my life and work and that’s beyond flattering. But there’s rarely an honest answer an author can give to such a query or, to be more specific, an honest answer that will evoke a wink and a thumbs-up. The book can always be doing better, at least in terms of sales, and that’s really what they’re asking about. For most of us, it would be hard for the book to be doing a heck of a lot worse.
So I usually respond by saying, “people are really enjoying it.” This is an effective, it’s beautiful on the inside deflection that knocks the conversation out-of-bounds and it causes the asker to respond, “well I really enjoyed it!” and we get on with life.
But for this one time, I’m not going to deflect. I’m going to keep the conversation going, in hopes that someday I might have a more satisfying answer to that question.
So why isn’t the book doing better? Is it a lousy book?
Maybe. Yet we all know that plenty of lousy things take the world by storm, while plenty of amazing things remain largely undiscovered. I honestly believe that my book The Only Ones is an undiscovered gem, which is endlessly frustrating. Sure, there’s something romantic about being a long-suffering writer who’s penned an undiscovered gem, but there’s a little more romance in penning a discovered gem. There’s also a royalty check or two.
The market is overcrowded with books and the sad fact is that only a fraction of them will get the attention required to earn back their advances. Don’t ask me to explain the economics behind why a publisher would dump buckets of gold on one book while barely tossing bus fare to another, because I’ll come off sounding bitter and uninformed. But I can tell you that if a few things don’t go your book’s way—at a marketing meeting, during a sales call, in a trade review—then it might mean a loss of the support needed for that book to get discovered. Then it’s all up to you, the author, the confused neophyte who stands to collect a sobering 10-15% (before the agent’s cut) of the sales.
A lot of authors aren’t very good at promoting themselves. No surprise there. Bookish and introverted is no way to go through life, son, and it’s certainly no way to make a splash at a MediaBistro mixer. I’m no P.T. Barnum. I don’t have the ego for it. I embarrass too easily. Perhaps sales of my book have suffered because of that, but rather than beat myself up, or try to change my personality, I’ve decided to play to strengths.
The strength of The Only Ones is The Only Ones. If people aren’t buying the book, then dagnammit, I should be giving them the book. It’s been on the market for only four months, but with shiny new titles released every week, that’s a lifetime in terms of visibility. If the book is not in people’s hands soon, it will soon find its way into the bargain bin. Or so my logic goes.
Here is what I propose. If you’re a blogger, or a newspaper reviewer, or a Today Show anchor, and you read The Only Ones and review it, then I will do the following:
- I will sign a hardcover copy of the book.
- I will send aforementioned book to a person of your choosing. That person could be a nephew, a stepsister, a parcheesi partner, a cellmate or a Unitarian. It doesn’t matter. Just as long as that person is in the United States and has an address that can receive United States Postal Service deliveries.
“Hey now, Charlie!” you’re probably saying. “You’re just buying reviews!”
True. I most certainly am. Hear me out, though. Let me explain what I’m asking of you:
- I expect you to write an honest review. Not a rave. Not a puff piece. You could tear the book to shreds. Give it an F, or a seventeenth of a star, or two centaur hoofs down. Feel free to be snarky, but be honest, and I will reward your honesty by sending a copy of The Only Ones to someone who might like it as much as you do, or hate it as much as you do. Then you two can start a fan club or a petition to get me deported. Whatever floats your boat, cappy. No strings attached, no guilt involved.
- Of course, I do expect you to post the review on your blog, or in a publication to which you are a contributor. In other words, posting a review exclusively on Amazon or Goodreads or Youtube won’t work because search engines will be blind to it and it will be lost in the mix. Certainly use those places as a secondary places to post, but this is about spreading the word, not burying it.
- I also expect you to feature a picture of the book cover and a link to the book’s page. But you probably would do that anyway, wouldn’t you?
- Steer clear of spoilers if you can. Sometimes you can’t, but remember there are plenty of Frank Costanzas out there who want to “go in fresh.”
- Finally, I have no length restrictions, but “This book rocks!” or “Sucks donkey nards!” aren’t going to pass muster. Try this for an industry standard: Did it take you less than three minutes to write your review? Give it a few more minutes.
Unfortunately, I can’t offer this once-in-a-lifetime deal to people who’ve posted reviews of the book before September 19, 2011. Generating new reviews and new readers is the name of the game. If such an injustice enrages you, then email me and I’ll see if I can’t make it up to you in some way.
I currently have 25 copies of the book to give away. I may have more in the future. But for now, the spoils go to the first 25 people who post a review and email me a link to it (don’t forget a name and address for the person to whom I’ll be sending the spanking new copy).
What do I foresee resulting from this enticement? Frankly, nothing. I’d be surprised if this inspires even one new review. This web site ain’t exactly burning up the dance floors.
But let’s just say the idea takes off a little bit. And let’s just say that a few of the people who receive gift copies of The Only Ones decide to pull a Haley Joel Osment and buy copies for some other people, and then those people…well, you get the point.
If you’ve read the book already, you probably understand why I’m using this tactic to find more readers. If you haven’t read the book, well then…
- Start here.
- Then go here.
- Or here.
- Then write a review.
Tell me about it, and I’ll take it from there. While you take a nap. You deserve it.
3 Comments | Posted by Aaron under Books, News and Events, The Only Ones | Bookmark or Share
December 23, 2011
I was going to try to write this post without using the word blogosphere. But see, I can’t make it even 15 words without resorting to such vocabulary. Oh, the blogosphere is a powerful sphere these days, right up there with the Southern Hemisphere, the troposphere, and Sphere by Michael Cricthon. And I have to acknowledge that power, or else they’ll hunt me down and take me out like this was a Dan Brown book and they were renegade nuns and I was a dashing Sanskrit expert (that’s the sort of thing that happens in Dan Brown books, right?).
What I’m getting at is this: in a market flooded with books, not every author can expect a Charlie Rose interview, a Today Show spot and a New Yorker feature to help get the word out about his/her hardback baby. Thankfully there is a passionate community of fans and critics who are doing the heavy lifting for free. There’s nothing like coming across a review online and knowing that someone out there not only read and thought about your story, but is now expanding on it. Because that’s what good criticism is: a continuation of the story, even when it’s negative criticism. I tend to read criticism after I read a book, or watch a movie, or listen to an album. I want to see if others shared in my experience or had a wildly different point of view. It helps me see more of the story. It gives it a fuller shape. Sure, it sometimes leads to me shaking my fist and screaming “Moron!” or “Philistine!” but most things in life do.
So blogosophere, I salute you. Amazon is okay (with its “best book eva!” and “this book is the root of all evil!” reviews) and Goodreads can be endlessly fascinating and frustrating (I’m fine with one star, just tell me why!). But give me a blog review any day of the week. I’m serious. If you have a blog…give me a review! Even on a Tuesday! Follow the lead of these 10 trailblazers who–despite a dabbling in SPOILERS!–have not only shared my book with the world, but have given me new insights into what I wrote. They have made my story even longer:
- Mother Reader: “One, I’m calling this as a movie waiting to be made. Two, this book would make a perfect gift…”
- Charlotte’s Library (spoiler at end): “It’s the best sort of upper middle grade book–ie, great for an eleven year old child, and for the mg reading grown-up.”
- Parenthetical (mild spoilers): “This is a weird, amazing, amazingly weird book.”
- Librarian in the Middle: “Part science fiction, part mystery, this well-crafted story was moving in ways I didn’t see coming. This is one that will stick with me for a long time.”
- Snarky and Sweet: “I can only talk in the vaguest terms about the plot because one of the absolute strengths of the book for me was its unpredictability. The reader really is taken for a ride and cannot know what happens next.”
- MSBPL Books (spoilers aplenty): “Starmer’s characters and story premise were engaging and thoughtful and I recommend this book to readers who are interested in human nature and science fantasy.”
- West Virginia Red Reads: “The end of the world doesn’t make children into monsters but it does make them into adults with both good and bad sides.”
- Karissa’s Reading Reviews: “Fans of well written mysteries with a little magic and sci-fi should look here. Fans of post-apocalyptic fiction with a more subtle touch to it and a lot of mystery should also give this book a read.”
- Alamosa Books: “A brilliant fairy tale for the modern age.”
- Bettina’s Book Club (some spoilers): “The premise was fascinating, the characters were unique, funny, believable and relatable, and by the time I was done reading it I was thinking, ‘Whoa, this is some deep stuff…’”
There are of course some reviews from newspapers, magazines and journals over here. And there are other blog reviews out there that I know I missed and others that are on the horizon (or so I hope). If you have one, just let me know. I’ll spread the word.
3 Comments | Posted by Aaron under Internet, News and Events, The Only Ones | Bookmark or Share
December 14, 2011
INT. FACEBOOK CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Dustin Moskovitz and Chris Hughes sit at a conference table, surrounded by piles of file folders, binders, etc. Mark Zuckerberg paces around the room.
ZUCKERBERG
Moving on. Who do we have next?
Moskovitz opens a file folder.
MOSKOVITZ
We have a…Jenny Richardson.
ZUCKERBERG
What do we know about Jenny?
MOSKOVITZ
Let’s see. Says here she’s from Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
HUGHES
That’s Pennsylvania Dutch Country, Zuck.
ZUCKERBERG
Nice catch, Hughesy. Okay, so she’s an Amish then, right? Good. Somewhere to start. We wanna get those Amish fingers a-clickin’. So tell me, boys. What’s ad-sales pulling in on the horse-and-buggy front?
Moskovitz checks the ledger.
MOSKOVITZ
Nada.
ZUCKERBERG
Damn. Strike one. No big whoop. Homerun idea is…oats! Pretty sure these people love the oats.
HUGHES
That’s the Quakers, Zuck.
ZUCKERBERG
Is it? What’s the difference?
MOSKOVITZ
I think…the hats?
HUGHES
Zippers, actually.
ZUCKERBERG
Zippers? Fascinating. How so?
HUGHES
Don’t like ‘em. Don’t want ‘em. Got no need for ‘em.
ZUCKERBERG
Who? Amish or Quakers? Know what? Doesn’t matter. Skip any zipper ads for Jenny. That includes Ziploc and all subsidiaries. Don’t want to take chances. Focus on oats. I know it’s a Quaker thing, but I’m betting every horse-loving Pennsylvanian needs quality oats. Now make me a happy man, Mister M. Tell me we got some badass oats accounts on the books?
Moskovitz checks the ledger.
MOSKOVITZ
Best I can do is Hall & Oates. Reunion tour at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, New…
(flips page)
…Jersey.
ZUCKERBERG
Good. We can work with that. How far is Sayreville from Lancaster? Is it doable for Jenny?
Hughes pulls out an atlas, flips through the pages until he finds an overview map of the Northeast. He measures the distance with his fingers, checks the scale on the key.
HUGHES
Looks doable, Zuck.
ZUCKERBERG
Horse-and-buggy doable?
HUGHES
I can’t claim to be an expert, but I think it’s horse-and-buggy doable. A full day on the buggy but, you know, it’s a reunion tour. I heard they’re doing Maneater.
ZUCKERBERG
Good point. Jenny will make the trip for Maneater.
(beat)
Okay, so Jenny’s going to a concert. What else can we sell her? I need the deets, Mighty Moskovitz. Hit me up. What sorta books does she dig?
MOSKOVITZ
Says here she reads “just about anything good…except for sci-fi. Ack!”
ZUCKERBERG
Ack? What’s ack?
MOSKOVITZ
I think she’s just saying ack. Like…gross. Ack!
HUGHES
Cathy says ack.
ZUCKERBERG
Cathy in the SEO department? Peanut-allergy Cathy? I swear, sometimes I would fire that woman just so I could have a godforsaken Pay-Day bar every once in a tomorrow!
HUGHES
Different Cathy, Zuck. Sorry, should have been more specific. Cathy the comic strip.
ZUCKERBERG
Got it. I know that one. They still running those?
HUGHES
Not sure.
ZUCKERBERG
Know what? Think I saw some funny papers in the eighth floor bathroom. Third stall in. Right up on the tank.
HUGHES
So…? Want me to…check?
ZUCKERBERG
Of course I want you to check! Jesus, Hughesy, we aren’t LinkedIn over here, where they don’t know their Cathy from their Sally Forth! We go public in a few months, this is the sorta minutia people are gonna expect.
HUGHES
Sorry, Zuck. I’m on it.
Hughes dashes out.
MOSKOVITZ
We still talking about Jenny?
ZUCKERBERG
(grinding his teeth)
Right. Jenny. Likes books. Good ones. Read anything good lately?
MOSKOVITZ
I really liked The Night Circus.
ZUCKERBERG
What’s that about?
MOSKOVITZ
A circus…at night.
ZUCKERBERG
Not a sci-fi circus at night? Jenny doesn’t care for sci-fi.
MOSKOVITZ
Um…no. Not sci-fi. Maybe fantasy? It’s kinda tough to peg down.
ZUCKERBERG
But you liked it? People like it?
MOSKOVITZ
It’s pretty friggin’ magical.
ZUCKERBERG
Good. Good. So I’m guessing Jenny read it too, cause she’s not gonna pass up something so magical. And she’s probably itching to see a night circus in person. Which begs the question…
Moskovitz nods and grabs the yellow pages. He flips through.
MOSKOVITZ
Sorry. No listings for night circuses in Lancaster, Sayreville or anywhere in between.
ZUCKERBERG
Day circuses?
Moskovitz shakes his head.
ZUCKERBERG
Mother-fudger! Gimme something!
MOSKOVITZ
How about circus peanuts? You know, the candy?
ZUCKERBERG
Really? That stuff is vile.
MOSKOVITZ
Maybe, but they have a big ad budget. Someone must enjoy the stuff.
ZUCKERBERG
And maybe that someone is Jenny. Or if that someone isn’t Jenny, maybe it will be Jenny because she’s all giddied up on the night circus pony. I like your thinking Dusty M. And besides, Jenny will be hungry at Hall & Oates. Oh-oh here she comes, watch out circus peanuts she’ll chew you up….
MOSKOVITZ
Nicely done.
ZUCKERBERG
Bush-league, but thank you. Just getting started. So we’ve sold stuff to Jenny. Now let’s sell Jenny. I’m sure there are companies interested in hearing more about her. What’s her relationship status?
MOSKOVITZ
It’s complicated.
ZUCKERBERG
Dammit! We should’ve never made that an option.
MOSKOVITZ
Not what I meant. It says quite clearly that she’s interested in men. But then I’ve got all these photos of her playing softball.
Moskovitz spreads some photographs out on the table. Zuckerberg has a look.
ZUCKERBERG
Bit of a stretch, don’t you think?
MOSKOVITZ
She lists Boys on the Side as one of her favorite movies.
ZUCKERBERG
Doesn’t prove anything. McConaughey is in that picture. Which status updates does she “like?”
Moskovitz searches through some papers.
MOSKOVITZ
Her friend Gina’s toddler said something funny about how rain is God “going pee-pee” and she liked that.
ZUCKERBERG
Okay.
MOSKOVITZ
She liked that Ken Dyer was “gonna get his drink on tonight with all the L-Town hotteez!”
ZUCKERBERG
Why wouldn’t she? Sounds like a good time. How about some things she doesn’t like?
MOSKOVITZ
Um…I thought we weren’t adding that button?
ZUCKERBERG
(sighing)
We aren’t. But the data. The data should still reveal what she doesn’t like.
Moskovitz searches through the papers.
MOSKOVITZ
Mondays. It appears she doesn’t like Mondays.
ZUCKERBERG
Hmmm.
(beat)
So she’s a lesbian. I’m guessing Subaru would be interested in knowing that.
MOSKOVITZ
Err…horse-and-buggy.
ZUCKERBERG
Crap-balls!
The door flies open. Hughes tumbles in.
HUGHES
(breathlessly)
No…sign…of Cathy. But Sally….Forth…still going…strong.
ZUCKERBERG
Bingo! You’re back, Hughesy!
HUGHES
Thanks…Zuck.
ZUCKERBERG
Snoop Mousy Moskovitz! Get whoever draws, writes, and publishes Sally Forth on the horn and tell them we’ve got the 411 on a sugared-up Amish lesbian Hall & Oates aficionado named Jenny Richardson and ask them flat out how many dimes they’re willing to drop to know how she’s doing at Farmville.
(catches his breath)
Moving on.
No Comments | Posted by Aaron under BEST OF, Internet, Parody | Bookmark or Share
December 12, 2011
From: Darius Pogue
To: ”Office List”
Sent: Monday, December 12, 2011 8:39 AM
Subject: Who here at the Yorktown Pennysaver is up for a little Gwar?
Hey gang,
Sigh in relief. This isn’t another email about security software updates. Trust your humble one-man IT department when I assure you that the Yorktown Pennysaver is now a veritable Fortress of Solitude, and that this email blast is of a decidedly more personal nature. It’s sure to be the talk of the office until the steam whistle blows.
“Out with it!” you say? Fair enough. Guess who’s going to see Gwar this Saturday at Hogan’s Hideaway? That’s right. The very same fella who tells you, “don’t panic!” when you’ve got a kernel panic, who converts your JPEGs to PDFs and is a BMF besides. Me! And I’ve got an extra ticket.
So who wants in?
Now I realize some of you will probably have questions before committing. It’s natural. Seeing Gwar ain’t exactly like popping by the Cineplex for some Pixar. It’s an event, one that will quite possibly define your life. So I’ll try to walk any Gwar-dolescents (as I like to call the newbies) through the basics.
First question is obvious: What time? Well, doors are at 8 PM, but you should probably stop by my place around 11 AM so we can prep.
I can hear our favorite Mary Kay spokesperson/administrative assistant Deidre right now. “Prep? Like makeup and stuff?” Little different than that, D. But it’s all par for the Gwar course. We’ll be pouring latex molds for our festering neck boils. Doing a little mace polishing. The requisite codpiece fitting.
I know. I know. The boys in sales love a good codpiece joke, but I assure you, the codpieces are an absolute necessity. You gotta be prepared should you find yourself on the business end of a flail some goblined-up tweaker is swinging willy-nilly. Learned that the hard way during the Scumdogs of the Universe Tour.
Haley, I know you’re hip to all the new bands (I’m gonna get that Atari Fire album you keep raving about), but do you have “Scumdogs of the Universe” on vinyl? I’m betting you don’t. Let me tell you, “Sexecutioner” sounds so much warmer, and with all the lovely crackles and pops laying some ambiance down on “Slaughterama,” you can practically feel the Nazi decapitation.
But as great as those songs sound from the turntable, they sound infinitely better live, when your ears are soaked with blood. Judging from Mike’s fainting spell at last year’s blood drive, I’m guessing I lost him right there. But hold on, Mike. Weren’t you the one who told me The Blue Man Group was “the best show in Vegas?” Didn’t you forward that Gallagher video around? Gwar’s a lot like Gallagher, but instead of washing watermelon juice out of your hair the next morning, it’ll be blood…possibly pus.
Notice I said possibly pus. I stress the possibly. Gwar makes no guarantees in the pus department. They are very clear about this. My apologies if the inclusion of pus, or lack there-of, is a deal-breaker for some. Not much I can do about that.
Now I don’t doubt that Carmen, the consummate copy editor in our bunch, has printed this email out and has the old red pen poised. She’s probably thinking practicalities. I can just picture her note in the margin:
“With all the blood (and possibly pus) flying around, can we expect an adequate coat check?”
It’s a valid concern. And I’m gonna say, yes. Yes there is a coat check at Hogan’s Hideaway. But I must also provide the following caveat. Adherence to standard bathroom practices is rare when you’re talking Gwar gigs. Hard to tell a stack of coats from a compost pile by second encore.
Yep, there’s no way around it, Carmen. You’re gonna get a few stains on your clothes and codpiece. Let’s still focus on the practical, though. I have two words for you (or one hyphenated word, to be exact, Lil Miss Stunky White). Oxy-Clean. The stuff just works.
Finally, I’m reminded of one of Mitch’s daily quotes he wrote on the whiteboard. It was from Flaubert, who’s a Frenchie from back in the day. He said, “Caught up in life, you see it badly. You suffer from it or enjoy it too much. The artist, in my opinion, is a monstrosity, something outside of nature.”
Flaubert might as well have been named Nostradamus. Cause the man saw the future. He basically predicted Gwar. The monster part, in any case. He certainly wasn’t talking about those poseurs from Green Jelly.
So there it is, folks. An irresistible invitation. Now all that’s left is for you to throw your hats (or, shall I say, helmets!) into the ring. Who here at the Yorktown Pennysaver is up for a little Gwar?
Regards,
Darius Pogue
IT Administrator
Yorktown Pennysaver
dariusp@yorkpenny.com
No Comments | Posted by Aaron under Music, Parody, Whaaaa? | Bookmark or Share
